


An angel down

by Fairy (laterie)



Series: KINGS [6]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fighting, Fluff, Jinyoung is a best friend to anyone so where's his superman?, Loneliness, M/M, One-Sided Love, Secret Marriage, Self-Doubt, Self-cheating on accusation, Texting, Wake up call for the husbands, a lot of love and pain, angel Tuan - but not literally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22956937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laterie/pseuds/Fairy
Summary: Someone would say that you can't have Mark and Jackson without Jinyoung standing in the background and watching. But, who is he watching and why?
Relationships: Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Series: KINGS [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569673
Comments: 13
Kudos: 65





	1. Breaking through heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry, the story is finished.  
> I thought it would be better to cut it into chapters.  
> Also in this chaptered fic, you'll find out how markson got together officially & some reminiscence of their wedding.  
> Before we start I want you to know that I fought myself to write this story from Mark's side, but it would be too anxious even for me. Let's breathe.  
> So, let's go.

Jackson didn't know why he was recently obsessed with Mark's tattoos. He even left a lovebite on his ribcage, which was almost impossible to do since the skin there was thin, and muscles were too hard. It should've been arousing to him that Mark's build was growing, and his body looked like a masterpiece of an ancient sculptor. But Jackson also wanted to leave bites and scratches on his husband's skin – like a reminder – another story he could tell himself while staring at Mark's back and contouring his tattoos with his fingers. 

Just like right now, when Mark was sitting behind the table in a muscle tee and playing on his phone. The sleeve holes were showing off his tattoo, and all Jackson could think about was bit him in there and sucked the tender skin between his teeth.

"You're disgustingly obvious," Jinyoung smacked the back of his head, "right in front of our staff."

"Excuse you, little weird middle guy. How dare you to hit your hyung?" Jackson turned around to glare at Jinyoung who's attention was on Jaebeom. He was sitting next to Mark and spinning lazily in his chair like a kid. 

"I talked with Jaebeom-hyung, and we agreed that you guys should tell the rest of the band." 

Jackson's eyes widened in shock. No topic was as dangerous as his marriage with Mark. Nobody except Jinyoung and Jaebeom knew about the wedding since they needed witnesses, and it couldn't be family members. Friends were unreliable to keep secrets of such caliber. Though Jackson knew that one day they would have to come out of the closet, he was not prepared to face the other members' reactions. 

"It's gonna hurt," Jackson whispered, "I don't know…" 

"We warned you," Jinyoung reminded, "that leaving three members out of your wedding will bring catastrophic consequences. Are they less than Jaebeom-hyung and me?" 

"That's _not_ it!" swiftly, Jackson turned back to look at Jinyoung, "but not even our parents were there. If I could, there would be no one."

" _Wow._ " 

Jackson growled, irritated, "do you think this is a game?" 

"It was in California! Nobody gave a damn." 

"Of course," Jackson rolled his eyes. 

With the number of people always around him, fans stalking even in the U.S., it made Jackson paranoid, watching each of his steps. The wedding wasn't a secret anymore since two more people and the U.S. government knew about it. 

"You're paranoid."

As if on purpose, Mark suddenly stood up and walked across the room to sit down on the couch next to Youngjae. He pulled closer to the younger to show him some videos on the phone. And just like that, Jackson's guts curled and tied into one painful knot. Youngjae and Mark weren't always this close, there was a storm before the calm, but it only fastened their bond. From taking care of Coco, sharing a room, to Youngjae giving Mark secret vocal lectures. 

While he was a punching bag for Youngjae, the younger had respect for Mark like a younger sibling respects their older for taking care of the tedious and adult matters. Someone would say that maybe it's the same with Jinyoung, but Jackson knew better. 

"Talk to Mark-hyung about this," Jinyoung placed his hands on Jackson's shoulders and started to massage him, "it's getting suspicious. The bigger the distance between you is, the more often they ask what's happening. You put too much distance between you while you're both all over me. Yugyeom even asked me if Mark and I are a fling." 

Jackson's shoulder jerked at that. He turned briskly at the younger and gave him a cold stare, "that will stop!" 

Jinyoung arched an eyebrow, his hands slid from Jackson's body, "we made a strange triangle, hyung, and this is the result." 

"Well, I just told you that it will stop." He turned back to look at Mark, who was smiling at Youngjae. 

"I wish it could be that easy," Jinyoung continued, "but we both know that Mark is too cautious when it comes to you." 

"What do you mean?" 

"What do _I_ mean?" Jinyoung sighed at that, "does he cover your marriage, or does he like the skinship? Have you ever asked him?"

Jackson furrowed as he was watching his husband being giggly and touchy with Youngjae. If Jinyoung didn't bring up the issue, Jackson would never mind because he was the same – he craved human touch and warmth, but since the engagement, he backed off, keeping his hands only for his husband. 

"It was him who said we should stop, and I agreed," Jackson growled, "but…"

"But?" Jinyoung asked, "Jackson, don't let your green-eyed monster to damage your marriage. You have no idea how precious the thing you have with Mark is. I'm just telling you that you should ask if he does this to cover your relationship, or he simply _wants_ it." 

Jackson hesitated to answer, although he knew the answer, "both, I would say…" he dropped his gaze on the floor. 

"Alright," Jinyoung patted his shoulder, sympathetically, "If you'd need anything, just ask." 

And that _fucker,_ that son of a witch, Park Jinyoung, sat down on the couch next to Mark and wrapped his arm around his shoulder while he pressed his chest to Jackson's husband's shoulder like it was _'the daily routine of Park Jinyoung to survive.'_ No, Jackson was Mark's vitamin; he was his lover, husband, and alfa & omega of everything. They were meant to be – soulmates from different sides of the Earth, and no Park Jinyoung had any rights to wrap and press his body against Jackson's man. 

Jackson's green-eyed monster was indeed a brainless beast that could take control of Jackson anytime and without a fight.

If anything, then Jackson should've strode there and drag Jinyoung's ass across the whole room for preaching water and drinking wine. Jackson refused to see the picture that was materializing right before his eyes. Jinyoung was someone he could rely on, but for Mark, the younger was like a pillar, and that bothered Jackson for a while. Sometimes he caught himself being useless, and he just stared at his husband through the display of his phone while Jinyoung was there. Something was getting horribly wrong between them, and Jinyoung. 

_Ah fuck,_ Jackson felt throbbing in his head – a weird black line tying his brain with his tongue making it impassible to stand up and voice his opinion about his husband and Jinyoung. He couldn't. Not in front of the whole band and staff members behind the closed door. So, Jackson did the best he could've to avoid a fight or a mental break-down. 

He ran. 

"Yugyeom, what are you doing?" Jackson turned his attention to the youngest, who was texting to his parents, "I'll buy you coffee." 

"I want one too!" Mark's attention was suddenly all over Jackson, who glared at his direction. It was spontaneous from Mark. Sometimes they didn't catch up with the reality, and they acted like the husbands they were. 

"Fine, but only if you get your ass here," Jackson stood up, grabbing his jacket from the backrest of the chair. 

Jaebeom, who was still sitting behind the table, looked up at Jackson, a scolding litany hanging low on his tongue, but he dropped it when he noticed that they were alone in the dressing room. He started to spin on his chair again, his mind drifting in a different direction. 

"But I just got comfortable," Jinyoung announced, half-way sprawled on Mark, "don't take away my teddy bear." 

Jackson gritted his teeth, sending dark waves of displeasure to Jinyoung. He was not stupid to not see what Jinyoung was trying to do, but as smart the younger though he was, he didn't see yet enough of Jackson's anger so he could challenge it. There was _more_ than Jinyoung trying to force it out of Jackson and Mark. There were always hidden motives behind anything. 

"Jinyoung, just…" Mark wanted to unglue himself from the younger, but Jinyoung wrapped his arms around his waist at which Mark yelped and immediately started to untie the hands from his body. "Let go…" he murmured almost inaudibly. 

Jackson grabbed Yugyeom's shoulder and dragged him out of the room, his pace fast which Yugyeom had no problem to keep, but the youngest couldn't help but keep staring at Jackson out of the corner of his eye. 

"Is everything alright between you and Mark-hyung?" 

"Brilliant," Jackson replied coldly. 

"You didn't break up and forgot to tell us, right?"

"No." 

"Your tone and short answers are disturbing, hyung."

"Good."

"Jackson!" Mark shouted from the back of the hallway, but Jackson didn't pay attention to his husband and kept walking down to the exit. 

"Gaga!" 

Yugyeom slowed down, which Jackson couldn't ignore because their arms were still locked, and the younger pulled him back when he stopped abruptly. "I don't know what's going on, hyung, but you shouldn't ignore himlike that." 

Misunderstood, Jackson dropped his eyes to look at his shoes. He was getting scolded by someone younger and less experienced while all Jackson wanted was to get the hell out of there and cool down. Yes, he did know that everything could've been different, but Jinyoung would never understand what such a confession could bring upon them. 

"I'll survive without the coffee, hyung, but you won't survive without Mark." 

_Ouch._

Jackson took Mark to the coffee shop near to the JYPe building. The owner was an older man who always greeted them cheerfully when he was around, but today, he didn't come to greet them probably because of Jackson's gloomy mood that was radiating all over the place despite the sunny Friday afternoon. Finally, after many weeks GOT7 was gathered under one roof and into one room, and it was thanks only to Mark, who pulled the right strings to get them together. _'I promised a vlive with the seven of us. It was almost a month ago, Jaebeomie.'_

Glaring into his coffee, Jackson dared to look at his husband, who took off his bomber jacket. Jackson could still see Jinyoung's arms wrapped around him. Why did nobody say a word about that? Why didn't Youngjae push Jinyoung away when he saw how a taken man is struggling? Another mysterious layer had sprawled around Jackson and left him wondering even more about what the _fuck_ happening between his husband and Jinyoung. 

"Jinyoung is stupid, or he thinks he can mess with us," Jackson said, transferring his anger on the right person this time. 

"Gaga…" Mark put his hands on the table and laced his fingers together.

The gentle look Mark always gave him when he was talking about Jinyoung was driving Jackson crazy. It was so evident, and yet Mark turned his eyes away every time. What was happening with Jinyoung, of course, was nobody's fault – at least Jackson tried to tell himself that, but the more he looked at, the younger, the more he could see the coldness in his eyes every time Jackson stepped between them as if he was interrupting Jinyoung _moment_ with Mark. 

And his husband? Mark was here, untying his fingers so he could hug the warm cup with his palms. It was like a spell. It didn't matter what Mark did, Jackson always caught himself up wondering what on Earth is even going on because it was _Mark Tuan,_ the man who's stolen his heart away not being afraid of _anyone_ out there, and Jackson _knew,_ he'd seen Mark breaking down for less, but he always stood up, never retreated. Not a single tear made his man weaker. 

Yet, Mark was sitting here with him and trying to defend Jinyoung and his behavior. It all started with Mark sighing when instead of talking, Jackson was frowning at his husband's hands. 

"Don't sigh at me," Jackson retorted, looking up, "I have enough of that. We both agreed."

"I told him to stop."

"Your precious Nyoungie evidently doesn't respect you as he insists." Jackson uttered, looking away.

"Since when he's _mine_?" Mark's voice dropped with a sign of mild irritation. 

"He was always _yours._ " 

"Now, you're talking bullshit again," Mark brought the cup to his lips, "he's my best friend."

Jackson propped his head on his palm, tiredly, "he's touching you even when it's not necessary. Excuse me, Mr. Tuan, but this doesn't settle right with me." Jackson bit sarcastically, "don't tell me, you didn't notice during the six years since our debut." Jackson was still scowling at his coffee because he knew if he looked at Mark right now, he would explode like dynamite. 

"Notice what?"

 _Oh,_ how oblivious could Mark get? He had ignored before he would hurt himself. But ignoring Jinyoung's feelings was not the right solution since Mark kept digging out of the unlimited access of intimacy. At this point, it wasn't necessary to continue with the fanservice or to cover up their relationship. While still under their hormone control after wedding and during honeymoon, Jackson _crazily_ needed the distraction from other members, but as months passed, the feeling had settled in his guts like a layer of gold and made him understand that Mark is not going anywhere, so he doesn't have to cling on him like a koala. 

"Do you really want me to say it?" 

Mark sighed at that, resting his back against the chair. He looked away, his expression sour, which only proved that Jackson was right; Mark was ignoring Jinyoung's feelings, but at the same time demanding more and more. Ignorance was a blessing. 

"Fuck, Yien…" Jackson buried his face into his palms, "babe, love…"

"Jacks," Mark warned him, "we're in a public place." 

It took Jackson some time to calm down and adjust to the acid feelings devouring his lungs. Jealousy was a significant feeling, and it hurt like a horde of bitches. It was almost a habit by now that every time Mark was with anyone else, Jackson couldn't breathe, so he moved away to someone else to distract the monster. Mark was the opposite. He sulked, showed everyone he's pissed, and he _wasn't_ clingy as Jackson. Mark was a simple man with his feet planted on Earth, which Jackson wasn't, so he needed Mark to ground him down. 

"Let's make the vlive," Jackson suddenly said, his coffee untouched, "let's lock us into a closet and make a Jinyoung diss track." 

Mark laughed at that while putting on his jacket. 

**

After the live broadcasting, Jackson caught Jaebeom and offered him grilled meat and a couple of beers. It didn't go smoothly as Jackson expected because the leader had no problem telling him to go to hell because he was tired from the maknae line driving him crazy out of habit. Jackson pouted at that, pointing out that Mark kept them on a tight leash the whole time. In the end, after some arguing, Jaebeom gave in and agreed to a takeout. _'If you want to talk, then we're going to talk at my place. That's the rule.'_

Jackson was openly complaining about Jinyoung's behavior, which, after the years, Jaebeom didn't find strange at all. But something was undoubtedly off about the _middle guy of GOT7._ When Jackson brought up the skinship, Jaebeom dropped the BBQ on the plate and wiped his hands into a napkin. He leaned into his kitchen chair, and for a moment, he was only staring at the wood of his table. 

"I know what you're referring to," the leader said, "it's been around for many years."

"Can you please give it a name?" Jackson begged, "I have to know that it's not only me." 

Jaebeom clicked his tongue before he took a deep breath, "Jinyoung has a crush on Mark."

A tone of rocks fell off Jackson's shoulder only to be replaced by an even more massive load of worries. He pulled out a chair from the table and dropped on it like a stone. How was the probability that two guys in the same band would fall for the same person? The concentration was almost impossible. 

"How the _fuck—_ " 

"Straight from a novel," Jaebeom snickered, "how am I supposed to deal with _this_?" 

"Hyung!" Jackson snapped, "he was Mark's best man." 

"And I was yours because there was nobody trustworthy enough. That means nothing. After all, Jinyoung knows that he stands no chance against you. Mark loves you since the first day he laid his eyes on you. That's a fact, Jackson. It, of course, doesn't mean you should take him for granted. But never doubt Mark's love."

Jackson found himself in a similar state as in the coffee shop with Mark, his face buried in his palms, legs nervously bumping under the table. He feared Mark could leave him for Jinyoung _,_ and though Mark kept telling him how absurd that is, hearing the confirming words from Jaebeom deepened the worries. It was _TRUTH_ the same term that was tattooed on Mark's arm. Nothing could turn the truth into a lie. 

Jinyoung was in love with his husband.

"Mark told me he wanted to go home for the holidays," Jackson said suddenly, "remember the last time we've been in L.A.? Jinyoung was hanging with Mark all the time." 

"He was _not,_ " Jaebeomcorrected him, "yes, he brought him home, but only because you pissed off Mark's parents. That's different. He brought _us_ home, Jackson. It was your choice to sleep in the hotel while we all stayed at Mark's place." 

"It was stupid!" he shouted, "accusing me of neglecting my boyfriend like a was some fuckboy!" 

"What was stupid?" Jaebeom looked up at Jackson, who jumped from his chair, "that they thought you're neglecting their son? That they said, Mark's always second?" 

"Hyung!" Jackson frowned at him. 

"Their words, dongsaeng." 

"He's a constant in my head!" Jackson raised his voice, "he occupies ninety percent of my brain, hyung. I can't sleep without him. All that keeps me pushing forward is knowing the fact that Mark is waiting for me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have been here today, but still in New York. You know goddamn well that…" Jackson shut his mouth, gulping the rest of the words. 

"You already pushed him away once, when he confessed. All I need to hear from your mouth is that you're not going to do that again."

"I didn't—" 

"You moved out of the dorm, Jackson." The cold stare was hard to endure, "promise me you won't push Mark away again just because you thinkthat _something_ is happening." 

"It was different back then! I had to put some space between us. It was dangerous—"

"And look at you know," Jaebeom waved his hand at him, "you married him. You sacrificed a piece of yourself to be with Mark. Do you want to lose it all?" 

Jackson sat back on the chair, looking anywhere but at his leader. The more they were talking about Jackson's issues, the more he felt like the whole marriage brought more pain to Mark than happiness. When he asked, there was not a single doubt about what Jackson was doing. And now? Jackson had to face the ridiculous accusation of pushing Mark away. Every free moment Jackson spent with thinking about his husband, and how lucky he was that Mark still wanted him. 

"Listen to me!" Jaebeom leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table, "you're a fighter, Jackson, I know that once you set a goal in your head, nobody and nothing can stop you. Shit happened, I agree, you're not alright, but we're here for you. You have a loving family that supports you. Sometimes we need the assurance that we still matter. Here's yours." He stood up and began to clean up the unfinished food from the table.

"Mark loves you. So, go home to your husband and talk to him about your insecurities." 

Jackson couldn't say what was happening in his head right now. He was a bit frightened, a bit anxious, and a lot of angry. Jinyoung was Mark's best friend, and there was no fucking way he was going to agree with anything Jackson would offer. The fact that his husband was always offensive when it came to Jinyoung only added fuel to the fair in Jackson's brain. 

"I don't want to fuck it up. I need to cool down first," Jackson brought his hands up into his hair, nervously messing them.

"That's probably a good idea," Jaebeom nodded.

For a while, Jackson didn't say anything and only watched Jaebeom as he was cleaning his kitchen. Here he was, sitting like a lost child and waiting for heaven's help. The older seemed to wait for another of Jackson's emotional outburst patiently. Jackson frowned, crossing his arms on his chest. 

"What's on your mind now?"

"Once Mark said that he's scared, I would leave him." 

"Well?" Jaebeom shrugged, "that's legit." 

"Why would you say that?" Jackson asked, offended. 

"Look. You're always gone, with too many people surrounding you." 

"So?" it wasn't like Jackson had ever cheated on anyone in his life. He didn't play or gave false hopes. When he was younger, still a trainee, or after their debut, yes, he had the _fuckboy_ reputation, but since he started to date Mark, and after all the struggling, he knew better than to fool around with chicks and boys. 

"People talk, Jacks," it wasn't surprising to hear that, "and Mark has ears. Have you any idea how pressuring it must be for him to listen to the rumors?" 

"But it's a two-way road!" Jackson complained, "I listen to that too. And what's worse? I listen to it while Jinyoung is in the game. People push this bullshit in front of me!" 

"You eat what you made!" Jaebeom muted him, "you were all over Mark at first, and then when you decided to ditch him, you put all of your attention to Jinyoung – his best friend! You played Mark like a freaking violin! He was so fucked up, Jackson, because of your fanservice and games. He fell for you, but you refused to take responsibility! Don't let me repeat the litany I have once told you! You are lucky I didn't punch your stupid face." 

Jackson didn't dare to say a word. His sins were always present, smirking at him and reminding him of his errors and awful behavior. Now, when Mark was close, he couldn't _stop it._ The tenderness was natural to him as breathing. All Jackson waned was to fix and erase the timeline where he had hurt Mark. 

"Anything you're going to say to Mark about Jinyoung will be met with resistance. You can't go around kissing Jinyoung's cheek and then telling Mark that he should stop touching his best friend." 

"I'm not doing it anymore!" Jackson protested, "I don't care if you think of me as an asshole! After the marriage, I didn't do anything! Jinyoung is my friend too! Mark is the one who keeps patronizing the weird shit between them." 

" _Weird shit_?" Jaebeom raised his eyebrow, "you call their relationship a weird shit? Jinyoung is your husband's best friend, so of course, he's going to patronizing him and telling the world. You're searching for hidden motives, which I can't…" he shrugged.

Jackson scowled at that, turning his back to Jaebeom. Whatever was Jaebeom trying to tell him, it didn't happen to get through Jackson's defense mechanism. Why Jaebeom worded it as if Jackson was the one who failed? He wasn't the one stealing other's husbands or poking his nose into private matters. Something had managed to escape his attention while he was furious about Jinyoung's hidden motives. Were Jinyoung's reasons caused by something that Jackson did? His frowning deepened, while still having no inkling of what could it be. 

"Seems like you have no clue about what is happening," Jaebeom stood up, "you can take the couch, but first massage Mark that you're staying." 

"Well, excuse me?!" Jackson turned after him, "I came here for help, and what I've got is your smartass." 

"Think about what I said. Use your brain for different things than music." 

With that, Jackson was left alone in the kitchen, and barbeque sauce smell still lingering around him. 


	2. Lonely nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idol life is lonely, isn't it?  
> One chapter is left. But also I have things to say about this fic? Bear with me for a moment, will you?  
> I love Mark dearly. And in no way, I think he is naive or he would use someone in any way. If anything, he's kind, warm-hearted, and a bit clingy since he's all alone in Korea. What I am saying here is that I don't think of Mark as he's talking about himself in this story.  
> He's a precious angel always guarding got6.  
> i've got a bit inspired by: [THIS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDLZ5-yZMc8)  
> now, ready?  
> go.

The first time Jackson danced with Mark was in front of the cameras. Jackson still could remember the day when Mark grabbed his hands, and with small, shy steps, while the other members were fooling around, he nervously led Jackson in small circles. Jackson felt like a cold stone in his friend’s arms. For the first time, he felt like he might cross the line with Mark. The flood of unexpected emotions made him numb, like a doll on strings. The way Mark held him was nothing Jackson had ever experienced before. That kind of gentleness from another man was still undiscovered. Jackson couldn’t grasp the feeling completely, but it was different from any previous times when he was fooling with Mark. The strange pulling, the warmth from Mark’s body, was crashing against Jackson like a heatwave, yet Jackson’s hands got cold, and he died a little.

Because it wasn’t a secret between the members that Mark Tuan likes men the same as women and sometimes a bit more, and maybe that was Jackson’s fault.

Jackson had decided to run away before he could hurt Mark, which paradoxically resulted in breaking Mark beyond words when two months later, Jackson rejected Mark’s confession, and at the same time, he decided to move out.

It took Jackson a _while_ to understand the ancient proverb: _you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone._

What preceded the magic moment of getting together were lonely nights of trying to get closer to Mark again. Still, Jackson was failing with each of his steps, and all Mark gave him was a first-grade elementary school friendship where they _had to_ hold their hands to not get lost in the big wild world. But that was all, and Jackson was falling apart again, but this time for a solely different reason.

A year later, Mark found himself flat against Jackson’s chest, warm and tender in his embrace. The serene yellow and orange lights played colorful scenery on Mark’s blond hair as Jackson led him in small circles over the makeshift dancefloor of Jackson’s first apartment. All remorse had been left behind a year away. Jackson was emotionally stable; he always thought that, but when Mark firstly held his hand gently like at that time, fingers interwind, Jackson got scared and ran away only later to found himself back in the same position.

When he was thinking about it now, about the beautiful lights creating a halo over Mark’s head as they were dancing, Jackson felt a whiff of nostalghia over his skin. A shiver ran down his spine and ended up tickling his fingers. Mark always had been an angelic creature, but that evening, when Jackson pressed him against his body and dared to inhale the scent of Mark’s aftershave, Mark clicked _right;_ connected the dots and completed Jackson.

Mark was different when the cameras were off. He wasn’t _that_ touchy with their members but was relaxed enough to find comfort in words and their presence. Jackson loved to listen to his alluring voice, it was like an ocean wave that was lulling him to sleep.

But back to the moment when Jackson led Mark on the song from Elvis Presley. Honestly, Jackson didn’t know the song, but Mark wanted to show him what he likes, that he is into guitar songs lately, and all Jackson could think about when he looked at his friend was how he understands each of the words of the lyrics.

 _‘Maybe I didn_ ’ _t treat you quite as good as I should.’_

Jackson grabbed Mark’s hand with a silly smile and pressed Mark closer. At first, they were fooling around until Mark gave in and let Jackson sway their bodies together. Their faces turned redder than the couch in the living room.

 _“What is going on?_ ” Mark whispered, gently holding Jackson’s hand, _“what are we doing?”_

 _“Dancing._ ”

Mark giggled at that, the blush creeping into his ears as Jackson couldn’t stop staring; he couldn’t stop smiling like a fool, as if someone had stolen the last bit of his sanity and transformed him into one sensitive nerve that Mark played like a professional.

It was then when Mark shook his head and bit his lip over the absurd scene when Jackson understood that he would watch Mark do _anything_ and would probably still chuckle like an idiot.

_“But we’re dancing in your living room.”_

_“And where should we dance?”_ Jackson asked, tilting his head on the side, “ _hm?”_

 _“Stop,_ ” Mark lowered his head, blushing, “ _what are we doing? Why?”_

_“Tell me to stop again, and I will.”_

Mark was still looking down on their moving feet when Jackson had decided not to press too much. If Mark didn’t want to dance, he would push Jackson away three minutes ago and put a significant distance between them. Only later, when Mark shifted and gently pressed his cheek on Jackson’s shoulder, the serenity had settled down in his guts to keep the warmth inside. Jackson took a deep breath when he remembered he’s also a mortal, and he should act like that. Another song was finishing when Jackson wrapped both of his hands around Mark’s waist and held him tighter than he should have. 

_“What does it mean?”_ Mark mumbled into Jackson’s neck, _“Gaga, what is going on…”_

This time, Jackson didn’t have an answer. Keeping Mark pressed against his body felt like a warm blanket during lonely winter nights. Jackson was aware of each of the details about Mark in their position; his hands curled deep into the sleeves of his sweater, his left foot in a fluffy red sock pressed against Jackson’s right.

All Jackson could do was feeling the intimate moment of the two arms holding him securely and gently. Mark felt _incredible._

_“Is this a joke?”_

“No,” Jackson said aloud. His mind broke through the mist of memories, the reminiscence was abruptly interrupted, and he was back in the bed with his husband. Blinking away the haziness, Jackson caught himself tracing the tattoo on Mark’s ribcage with his index finger. Lately, Jackson was often thinking about the past instead of the future. It was a strange transfer, and it made Jackson felt a bit older than he was. From the first kiss, first _‘I love you’_ to the proposal. The human brain was an incredible instrument.

“What?” Mark’s voice interrupted the flow of Jackson’s thoughts.

When Jackson looked up, he was greeted with Mark looking at him over his shoulder. Jackson was sure his husband fell asleep before the nostalgia hit him like a train. With the warm feeling that was blooming in Jackson’s chest like a rose garden, Mark’s look only intensified the romantic atmosphere. Jackson blinked once, then twice but had no answer. Instead of that, a sly smile had formed on his face before he pressed his lips on Mark’s ribcage tattoo.

“Kayee?” Mark asked him, rolling on his back so he could see his husband better.

“ _Hm?_ ” he smiled and wrapped his arm around Mark’s waist.

Mark gave him a suspicious look, which resulted in Jackson starting nibbling at his earlobe, “I was just thinking…”

“Since you’re secretive again,” Mark let out a shaky breath, “I’m also not telling you mine.”

Jackson whined right into his husband’s ear, “that’s fair, but...”

“I had a dream…” Mark started mysteriously anyhow, “about _you._ ”

“Was I tall?” Jackson snuggled against Mark’s neck, holding him a bit tighter and a bit more possessive in his arms.

“As always,” Mark replied, “and you had this _thing_ in your hand, and you made me _feel_ good with that _thing,_ but I’m not gonna tell you more.”

Jackson laughed at that, “if this results in me holding my cock in my hand and pushing it into your ass then…”

“Won’t tell you!” Mark turned his head to the side so he could blow air into Jackson’s hair.

“I won’t tell you then too,” Jackson shrugged, looking settled, but his curiosity was eating his guts.

It was some time since he had Mark under his body, whimpering and begging him. Lately, Jackson’s stress level reached a critical level, so Mark was taking care of his needs. _Daddy_ showed him that good boys don’t have to worry about _anything_ at all. After the air cleared around them, and Jackson could say that he has no business in China till late March, Mark started to planning, which resulted in a rooftop date with wine, steaks, and strawberry desserts. Jackson found a tiny black velvet box right beside the discreet vase with roses. It was a Tiffany & Co diamond ring. Jackson giggled like a boy, blabbering something about _what does it mean_ and then almost jumped across the table to kiss Mark roughly on his lips.

“You’re doing it again!” Mark pinched his cheek, “do you have a nostalgic hour?” he teased.

“What? No!” Jackson snubbed and buried his face lower between the pillow and Mark’s neck, “I just thought about our last date.”

“And before?”

Mark smelled like warm sand. All Jackson could remember from California, was the scent of the desert sand. It was warm, soft, and suffocating when the wind blew it, but still, it was pleasant to feel the warmth against his cold hands, just like Mark’s body.

“You’ll laugh.”

“I always laugh _with_ you.” Mark blew into his hair again, “but if you don’t want to, then it’s fine. I’ll be here pouting and thinking about what made you so soft.”

“You’re making me soft,” Jackson said, “I’m soft because you’re in my life.”

It went quiet. Jackson thought he said something wrong or triggered Mark into awkwardness, but he knew the older better after the years. Mark was relaxed in his arms and probably making a quick ‘ _life has just passed before my eyes’_ thing like always. Mark smiled at that, kissing Jackson into his hair. Wordless answers often expressed feelings better than anything else. The older Jackson got, the better he understood the importance of gestures.

“You have always been soft, Gaga…” Mark continued on kissing Jackson down his face, “when I watch you how you treat people, that’s… I’m always proud of you.”

“You don’t understand,” Jackson propped himself up on his forearm to look into Mark’s eyes, “it’s different when I’m with you.”

Mark was watching him with the big, brown eyes, so warm and dark in the dim lights of their bedroom that Jackson felt like falling into melted chocolate. His brain didn’t seem to catch the alarm when Jackson was staring too long without even blinking.

“What do you mean?” Mark whispered as if scared that he would break the fragile atmosphere between them.

“Remember when you told me to _‘shut up’_ in front of the cameras?”

Probably, Mark had no clue what Jackson was referring to, so he only looked at the wall behind Jackson, trying to remember, but ended up with shrugging.

“You’ve always been telling me that I talk too much, and I took it personally because I didn’t understand that it’s not about _me_ talking in general, but talking gibberish, and assume things and being annoying when people needed some rest.”

Mark sighed at that, “Gaga…”

“Because, Mark…” he didn’t let Mark continue, “you were the first person who saw more in me than my trash-talk. You’ve seen my soft side first, and you always have taken care of me as I were _someone special_.”

“You _are_ special to me. That’s what love is,” Mark said softly, “and after you – _you…_ ”

Jackson gulped nervously and reached for Mark's face and cupped it lovingly, “ _hey,_ it’s alright, don’t think about it anymore.”

Jaebeom’s words came up to Jackson’s mind. It’s been four days since they’ve talked in the kitchen, and Jackson still couldn’t grasp the thought. Being reminded of how much he hurt Mark and then came begging to Mark take him because Jackson was a confused little asshole who played favorites and not feelings. It took longer than Jackson presumed. 

“We’re here now, and married,” Jackson kissed him on the lips, “thanks to your patience and kindness.”

Because, after all, Mark did understand Jackson’s reason; the fear of destroying GOT7, the concern of heart-break, and the society to find out. It seemed as if he had more to lose than gain, but every time Jackson looked at Mark, he saw the brightest light.

Mark looked at him with distant eyes. He had words on his tongue, Jackson could tell that much, but all Mark did was licking his lips and waiting for Jackson’s next step, which came in the form of lazy kisses all over Mark’s face.

“I love you,” Jackson whispered into the first of the countless kisses as he pampered his husband’s face, “I only ever care about what you think.”

After nine years, Mark could’ve known about the impact he had on Jackson. Not that they had turned into men together, not even that they always had each other’s back like the best buddies, but when the shit hit the fan, they weren’t afraid to shelter each other and take the hate or anger on themselves. If someone asked Jackson _when_ he fell in love with Mark, he wouldn’t know how to answer. It was in Mark’s every gesture; if it was physical or abstract, Mark was a personalized angel. There was not a single thing Jackson couldn’t tell him.

Until lately, when Jinyoung’s feelings came into the frame.

Even though Jackson had paid attention to his steps, he stumbled and fell harder than he had expected.

And what a blessing waited for him under the very end of the rollercoaster of emotions.

Mark caught him without asking as he did many times before. The support the older man provided him over the years bloomed into a robust tree that could overcome any storm. Jackson tried to do the same, not because he felt obligated to repay the kindness, but because it was _Mark_ and the river that had been streaming love out of his heart couldn’t find any better estuary than Mark’s heart.

Jackson found himself being dragged closer and right between Mark’s legs. Since his husband didn’t quite favored clothes in bed, Mark was already half-naked, only in his pajama pants with no underwear. Jackson felt him through the thin cotton cloth, his hand helping the bulge to grow. Jackson’s breath hitched in his throat when images of the rocky L.A. beach shore were suddenly brought back behind his closed eyes. Mark, in the loose white dress shirt, with a warm wind playing with his brown hair, was smiling at him, even blinding the sun that hung high above their head.

Their wedding.

“Fuck,” Jackson opened his eyes, looking at his husband’s face, “ _Yien…_ ”

Mark’s eyes were still closed, until when Jackson stopped kissing him and stroking over his pajamas. It was like back _then_ when Jackson shut the door of their bedroom in the beach house and picked Mark off the ground into his arms. Mark’s muscled thighs closed around Jackson’s waist tightly like a vice. The sun was already sunk behind the horizon, and dark was licking through the sky like a hungry beast.

“Our wedding night,” Jackson whispered, “was so wild…”

“Why so sudden?” Mark’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Because…” Jackson was now sitting between Mark’s opened legs, “I want to make love to you as I did back then…”

Mark smirked at that, “you think you have enough energy for that?”

He didn’t.

But still, it was nice to try.

Jackson couldn’t recollect anything about Mark pulling the sheets during their wedding night so much that it ended up rolled and messed all around them. The double sheets with cotton bottom and silk top were ripped by Mark pulling it too much while Jackson was holding him down, pressing his back against the mattress. Only his arms were able to move, and since Mark didn’t want to left bruises on Jackson’s back again, he rearranged his hands on the bed, destroying the expensive bedsheets that Jackson had bought in China.

It wasn’t expected from Mark. Only when Jackson pushed in one smooth move, and his cock widened the path inside Mark’s body, Mark gave in a loud moan that made Jackson jerk forward as he pressed the tip of his cock right against Mark’s prostate. And just like that, like a spell, only by snapping of fingers, Mark turned into a moaning wreck of pushing and pulling.

“Babe, _fuck…_ ” Jackson had to hold his hips down, “what are you…”

Mark held him so tightly inside his body that Jackson couldn’t move. It started to hurt, but Mark couldn’t get down from the cloud of pleasure. That’s when Jackson grabbed Mark’s hands and indicated him to wrap them around his neck. Every bloody bruise would be better than his cock being crushed by Mark’s ass.

“It’s been a month,” Mark cried, “a month since I could feel your cock inside me…”

“I know, _I know,_ ” Jackson stroked his cheek, calmly, “you’re the best daddy, and I was selfish.”

The only response was Mark whining, anchoring his fingers into his husband’s skin. He tried to relax his body from the strange spasm that held onto him as if Jackson was about to leave not only the bed but the apartment and country.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Jackson captured his head between his warm palms, “look at _me._ ”

Mark’s eyes popped open, reveling his dilated pupils as if he just returned to his body, and the shock was still shaking his core. Jackson could only stare and wait until Mark took a deep breath through his nose and close his eyes again.

“I’m here with you,” Jackson assured him, gently stroking his cheeks. All he could see was a _man_ that devoted his life to him, and this fact hurt Jackson even more after his last visit at Jaebeom’s.

“I _know,_ ” Mark’s body started to relax again, “I know.”

Despite the loosening of Mark’s muscles, Jackson didn’t move; instead of that, he sank into a gentle kiss on Mark’s lips where he whispered a silent, “I love you.”

“… _too…_ ” was all Mark could slur into the fervent warm lips of his husband before he lost himself in the moving heat.

Jackson was staring into the darkness of the ceiling. There was not a sound in the bedroom, not even the whispers of the city could break through the soundproof windows on the eighth floor. The silence was only supporting the dark thoughts creeping into his head. It was suffocating, and Jackson was a moment away from standing up and opening the window. Though his husband was peacefully sleeping in his arms, Jackson couldn’t stop the flow of depressive thoughts about Jinyoung. The younger had always been around Mark, watching him. Maybe one day, Mark would wake up with Jinyoung next to him while Jackson would be on the other side of the world.

Somewhere back in his mind, Jackson knew that if their life setting weren’t based on idols' lives, he would be probably still considering the marriage, not wanting to push Mark into anything, but Jackson was scared of losing Mark as his lover. He wanted to give him _everything_ before someone else would.

The mix of fear and remorse was choking Jackson every time he had to leave for his solo activities. Yet he didn’t talk to Mark as he promised to Jaebeom. The fear was eating him alive. Even for a second, just a bit of doubt and he could destroy his relationship with Mark. Something in his mind was telling him that he overreacts, and Mark would never judge him, but Jackson, who was confident in everything he had ever touched, was suddenly feeling fragile next to his husband. And the reason was Park Jinyoung.

No, he couldn’t close his eyes.

He was cardinally fucked up.

He gently pushed Mark off of his shoulder to the pillow and covered his naked shoulder with the blanket. Jackson needed a second alone with his thoughts without Mark’s warmth and smell, which were clouding his rational thinking.

Jackson stood up, searching for his pajama pants around the darkness of the room. Once with his ass covered with the soft cotton, Jackson picked the used condom from the nightstand and wiped the stains with a tissue. When he saw Mark’s phone lying near the night-lamp, Jackson froze in the spot. Mark had no reason to not give him the security code to his phone. Jackson spent a lot of time on Mark’s phone while playing games. But now, after he let the dark thoughts puncturing his brain like needles, his fingers itched from a completely different reason than were games. Jackson’s fingers had run over the screen before he dared to look at Mark as he was about to break some moral rules. In the end, Jackson left the bedroom with the tied condom between his fingers and Mark’s phone in the pocket of his pants. He left the door slightly opened and headed into the kitchen to throw away the rubber. Pouring water into a glass, Jackson had second thoughts about his a bit creepy plan. It was a breach of privacy, Jackson knew, but he also knew that Jinyoung and nobody else would tell him the truth.

He sat down on the couch in the darkness of the living room and unlocked Mark’s phone. On the background picture, a first warning was glaring at him in the shape of Mark with his parents. Jackson decided to ignore even the second warning as he opened the messaging app, and the recent convo with Jackson popped up at him.

_14:57:22 Jackson: meet me in our secret love nest alright?_

_15:01:01 Mark: you make it sounds like we’re cheating and meeting on a cheap apartment every Sunday. >:D _

_15:03:46 Jackson: smells like a roleplay_

_15:04:33 Mark: it’s called home Gaga_

_14:05:01 Jackson: I can see you pouting over half of the city bb. Cute too cute to be real_

_14:22:59 Mark: gonna drive see you soon_

Jackson sighed at that. It was getting worse now when he re-read the message, and the one triggering word brutally shoved him over the edge. _Cheating_ was a constant word in Jackson’s dictionary since Jackson got cheated on by every goddamn partner he ever had except Mark. In the afternoon, when they exchanged these texts, Jackson didn’t give a damn, but now, after overthinking every aspect of his life, he couldn’t grasp the last sanity and make his brain work properly again.

Mark would never cheat on him, there was no doubt about that in Jackson’s mind, but something was creeping over his spine like a spider. Jinyoung was the ever-changing number in their relationship. What even was Jinyoung doing in their marriage in the first place?

Jackson was about to let the monster consume his rational thinking. Deep inside, Jackson knew that he should wake up Mark and talk to him just like Jaebeom had told him, but the dark thought about being useless overtook Jackson’s heart. He could still feel Mark’s touches on his body, how was he calling Jackson’s name, but the flickering light in the darkness was fading away in contrast to the bright light of Mark’s phone and Jinyoung’s name glaring at him on the convo Jackson's just opened.

 _Fuck it._ Jackson loved to be _the impulsive asshole._

_00:14:01 Mark: are you up?_

_00:21:15 Jinyoung: for you always. What’s up?_

Jackson sighed at the response. Thought it was seven minutes delayed, he assumed Jinyoung was falling asleep or reading a book.

_00:25:17 Jinyoung: something’s happened?_

_00:26:47 Jinyoung: you know you can talk to me, so spill the beans, Mark._

_Oh,_ that was new. Jackson blinked at the screen. Where was that always polite Jinyoung who swore he would never call Mark without the suffix again? Did they drop all the politeness while texting or talking in private?

_00:30:04 Jinyoung: come on. Did you text me only to wake me up? Not cool._

_00:30:59 Jinyoung: alright I am not going to assume anything. Just not cool Mark._

“Fuck,” Jackson rubbed his forehead in frustration. He gripped the Vivo phone in his hand, “fuck you, Park Jinyoung.”

_00:32:05 Mark: can’t sleep._

_00:33:16 Jinyoung: want me to sing you a lullaby?_

Jackson did read the whole convo between Mark and Jinyoung, and there was nothing troublesome; some of the texts were about Mark complaining about schedules and Jinyoung offering him help or hugs. But who knew what else was Jinyoung offering him and Mark had already deleted the messages.

“Oh, you wish, you could sing to him, don’t you?” Jackson gripped the phone painfully.

_00:35:46 Mark: what are you talking about_

_00:37:01 Jinyoung: just kidding, hyung. Maybe you should ask Jackson to sing you some. Is he with you?_

_00:37:30 Mark: ofc he’s with me_ _♥_

_00:38:10 Jinyoung: that’s cool. I’m happy that you two are together again. You were so annoying with your endless lament. Don’t get me wrong, Mark I love you but sometimes you should TAKE instead of ASK u know._

“What?” Jackson frowned, “what are you…”

_00:40:55 Mark: trust me I’ve already taken it_

_00:41:20 Jinyoung: what do you mean? :D_

_00:42:01 Mark: what do YOU mean?_

_00:42:49 Jinyoung: so you did it?_

_00:43:13 Mark: what exactly?_

_00:44:00 Jinyoung: hyung, it’s almost 1am stop talking in riddles. Did you ask Jackson about the pet play?_

Jackson’s mouth dropped open from the shock. He stared at Mark’s phone with his jaw hanging low like it was about to fell off. There was no universe where he should expect such kinky play from his husband. Now, Jackson was surely the puppy, Wang gae, for his master. That sounded so wrong. He looked over his shoulder and the backrest of the couch at the bedroom door.

_00:52:04 Mark: no I didn’t. it would be better if we don’t mention it again, alright? Let’s forget about it. It never happened, key?_

_00:53:11 Jinyoung: what do you mean? What about all the things I’ve already bought for you?_

“He what?” Jackson gasped in disbelief.

_00:54:00 Jinyoung: am I gonna use them on myself or what? Hyung seriously._

_00:54:12 Jinyoung: I can be your gae if you want_

_00:54:33 Jinyoung: I can play anything_

_00:54:59 Jiynoung: I can be your pet_

_00:55:12 Mark: no, thank you very much, but NO LIKE A BIG NO JINYOUNG WHAT THE FUCK I AM MARRIED_

Jackson stared, stunned, a shiver running down his spine. How could he write this to _his_ Mark? A man who was married? It didn’t feel just wrong, but Jackson felt like his guts were about to implode with jealousy and anger. However, not a single one from Jinyoung’s texts signalized that Mark agreed to any of his offerings before, or else Jinyoung would use it as a lever.

_00:56:14 Jinyoung: relax. I’m just teasing you. I promise I didn’t buy anything._

Jackson wanted to punch him

_00:57:01 Mark: relax yourself, Park_

_00:54:31 Jinyoung: what’s wrong, angel?_

_00:55:00: Mark: I’m not your angel_

_00:55:44 Jinyoung: well yeah and what’s new? You let me know daily. You know what I don’t have the energy for this._

_00:56:12 Jinyoung: good night_

“Fuck,” Jackson cursed himself. He didn’t want to interact that much and make it complicated. Of course, Jinyoung will ask what the hell had happened or would act strange around Mark. Also, no matter how much was Park Jinyoung driving him crazy, they were friends, and Jackson didn’t want to lose him.

_01:09:01 Mark: Jinyoung listen to me_

_01:14:25 Jinyoung: didn’t I tell you good night? Why I am even responding to you. I'm in such deep shit with you._

Jackson frowned at the last words. It was getting more real and scarier. He brought the phone back to his face.

_01:15:53 Mark: it’s me Jackson._

Jinyoung left him on read.

_01:17:16 Mark: I’m sorry I played you. I fucked up alright? I am a stupid and miserable old man who loves his husband too much and see a potential rival in every corner_

_01:19:01 Mark: I shouldn’t have tricked you. Trust me that when my wrong head takes over the control it looks just like this_

_01:21:06 Mark: but never again tell me that you don’t call Mark angel I’ll fight you and punch you and also kick your ass. do you understand?_

_01:23:15 Mark: I’ll tell Mark myself what I did. We need to speak in person_

_01:24:46 Mark: again, I am sorry I played with your trust. I’m an asshole. Please don’t hate me_

Inflated, like a balloon, but instead of air, with only negative emotions, Jackson spent the next two minutes glaring at the screen of his husband’s phone. The atmosphere turned almost evil. It physically hurt – was squeezing the last breath from Jackson’s lungs. He felt lie a collapsing star that burned out its fuel, and now all that’s left was only the raw body devour itself.

That much jealousy could hurt.

_01:27:11 Jinyoung: you’re such an asshole Jackson_

_01:27:55 Jinyoung: I don’t know how you deserve Mark, but that’s for another bedtime story_

_01:28:49 Jinyoung: you’re lucky you have him. So mf lucky you bastard you have no idea how lucky you are._

_01: 31:11 Jinyoung: yet you do the most apparent shit to lose him. I bet fifty that you won’t tell him. U big coward._

_01: 32:28 Jinyoung: also good morning starshine you just discovered the crossroad. Fame and money won’t give you what Mark gives you. Stop your bullshit and make your husband happy. How can you even consider_

_01:35:04 Jinyoung: that I would come between you two? I want him to be happy, and he’s happy with you. Pull your head out of your ass and treat him like the angel he is_

_01:36:29 Jinyoung: good night you asshole._

**

_“Jack…”_

_“Gaga.”_ Mark whispered into his ear, “Gaga…”

Jackson jerked awake only to found out that he fell asleep on the couch, still holding onto Mark’s phone like it was a treasure. It was still dark around, so he assumed that he fell asleep only for a moment. These short naps were the worst. Mark was already trying to console him, but when he was about to take away his phone, Jackson drew away from his hand and sat up.

“Alright, you can keep my phone, but please come back to bed. You’ll catch a cold.”

Jackson watched him, his face burning in embarrassment. He was a man enough not to drag his guilty ass everywhere until it was too late. Yes, he did a low thing out of desperation, out of his abnormal behavior when the dark thoughts hit the fan, but he was rational enough not to play his husband as poorly as he played Jinyoung.

“We need to talk,” Jackson announced as a matter of fact, “ _now,_ please.”

The confused look in Mark’s eyes reminded him of a puppy, and it only added on the top of Jackson's guilt. Mark was indeed a man of his word; faithful, straightforward, and didn’t keep secrets that would endanger their relationship. Some kink play? Well, _fuck that,_ people in relationships can have secrets with their best friends. Hell, Jackson was glad Mark talked about it with someone before he served it to Jackson as a full meal. Nothing from Jinyoung’s behavior indicated that Mark was searching for comfort in his best friend in a way a married man shouldn’t.

It seemed to be o _ne-sided,_ but it still somehow hurt.

“Anything you want, but put some clothes on you,” Mark straightened himself.

While putting on socks and Mark’s baggy t-shirt, Jackson was thinking about Jinyoung’s last words. How could he call him a _coward_ when Jackson did the impossible and married Mark right in front of his eyes? It was a provocation, but Jackson didn’t expect such a low blow from Jinyoung. _Well,_ as always, Jackson trapped himself in the corner. He was the prey and hunter at the same time, like a dog chasing his tail. Jinyoung, even though being tricked, in the end, helped Jackson to emerge.

“I missed these 3 AM conversations,” Mark was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of green tea. “I made you one too.” He pointed at the steaming mug in front of Jackson. “Don’t worry. It’s not that disgusting green tea. It’s black with lemon and honey. See? I’m fighting the bacillus even before they could have a chance to jump on you. I’m the only one who can jump you anyway.” Mark giggled happily.

 _In every word and gesture,_ Jackson reminded himself why he did fall in love with Mark in the first place. All Mark ever did was out of love and passion. On this crossroad, they have met for the first time, later on, the same path they fell in love, even though it took Jackson longer to understand he can’t fight essential things.

“Thank you, angel,” Jackson ran his fingers through Mark’s black hair, gently tilting his head back so he could kiss his forehead, “for always taking care of me.”

“Don’t mention it.” Mark smiled, taking Jackson’s hand into his palm and squeezed it, “so now…”

“ _Yeah…_ ”

The _talk._

**

It was a long night _that_ didn’t go as well, as Jackson expected. Mark refused to listen to Jackson’s reasons and shut him down, saying that he’s too tired and pissed off to even look at Jackson. They didn’t solve _anything and_ went to sleep angry. Mark ended up sleeping on the couch and also stole all the blankets from the king-sized bed, leaving Jackson with the thick duvet that he had to dig out from the closet. Even then, when he threw the offending peace of covering on the bed because Mark’s heat was always enough to keep him warm, Jackson stalked into the living room like a beaten dog and begged Mark to return to their bed.

_“I’ll be cold without you, and you’ll be cold without me.”_

_“Kayee! I am seriously mad at you! Stop talking to me!”_

_“I know you’re mad, but promise you still love me?”_

Mark looked at him from his blanket fortress, _“of course, that I still love you.”_

Mark slept only for two hours before his alarm blasted and awaked them both since Jackson left the bedroom door open. Jackson didn’t close his eye, not even for a second. He kept staring at the ceiling or his phone. It was more like a zombie sleep. No bags under his eyes scared him more than frowning Mark, who entered the bedroom. Jackson watched him as he picked his clothes and started to change from his pajama to the sinful black tight jeans and a grey t-shirt. He was only about to get Milo back from Yugyeom, so why to choose such clothes?

“I read the convo,” Mark said, putting on the belt through the loops of his pants, “I’m glad you didn’t delete it.”

More like Jackson thought it was unnecessary since he didn’t expect Jinyoung to delete it any way. He shrugged it off, and while thinking about how to beg for forgiveness, he fell asleep. It was short, deep, and when Mark woke him up, it felt as if he punched him.

“ _Yeah_ , I’m a piece of shit,” Jackson tiredly agreed to the silent reproof, “seems like I don’t know any better. Are we going to argue about that again?”

“Not like we fixed anything,” Mark reminded him, “ I will talk to Jinyoung about what happened. I won’t let this hurt us, Gaga.”

Jackson gave him a hard look, “I told him that I'd talk to him.”

“And what do you want to talk about?” frowning, Mark turned to face him, “will you ask if he wants to fuck me or something? Just don’t—”

“How can you even say that?!” Jackson called indignantly.

“How could _you_ pretend you’re _me_ while you were trying to prove your delusional—”

“You _know me,_ Mark! I’m not excusing my behavior by the fact that I had panicked. I’m just telling you that you know me, so please stop telling me I should change when I _cannot_ do that!”

Mark dropped his hands next to his body, his expression unreadable, “when did I try to change you? You’re not fair, Gaga.” He grabbed his jacket and left the bedroom.

Jackson panicked _again_. He threw away the duvet and ran after Mark. Right when Mark put on his shoes and was about to open the door, Jackson grabbed him around his waist from behind, pulling him against his body and slammed the door shut with his other hand. Mark struggled, trying to shake Jackson off, but Jackson clumsily wrapped both of his hands around his waist and turned him around. Mark pressed his hand against Jackson’s chest to create distance between them, but in a fraction of second, Jackson was back in his personal space to push back. They played the push and pull game until Mark’s back knocked against the door, and he had nowhere to budge.

Nobody understood how _badly_ Jackson always wanted to apologize right away he knew he messed up. He was a man who didn’t bend for anyone, but he knew when to step down and bow his head. When it came to Mark, he was losing not only his rational thinking but also his footing. Gravitation worked ten times harder for Jackson when his world started to crumble.

Jackson let go of the waist of his husband and raised his hands to cup Mark’s face, “tell me how I am unfair to you?”

“You don’t trust me enough,” Mark retorted with the tears dangerously balancing on the rim of his eyes.

“It’s not _you,_ Yien…” Jackson tried to assure him, “how many times do I have to tell you that it’s not your fault? I can’t control what’s happening in my head. I try, I…”

“Then try harder!” Mark shouted, “try fucking harder because you’re hurting _us_!”

Jackson’s throat closed. He hardly could breathe when Mark closed his eyes with the painted expression and bit his lip to surpass the whimper. Jackson gulped back the words in his mouth and leaned together their foreheads. “Don’t cry for me.”

“You’re so stupid, Kayee…” Mark hissed through his teeth, “all I am asking from you is to love me. I don’t need anything else. I never did.”

“I know, baby…” Jackson changed the angle to kiss his husband, “but you should. _You should_ ask for things you want. You should tell me when I'm too much, or when I’m acting strange.”

“I don’t know _how…_ ” Mark cried, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Jackson’s heart sunk so low that he felt all senses leaving his body at once. He could fold himself under Mark’s feet and let him step on him because that’s what he deserved for being a trashy husband. There was no justification in making someone cry, and even though it was different from hurting Mark intentionally, Jackson still felt dirty. He projected his insecurities into Mark like he was a canvas.

The painful sting in his lugs made Jackson remember Jinyoung’s words by heart. Somewhere in the deep darkness, Jackson was slowly losing Mark – his aberration like an acid, eating Mark’s soul away.

It was not Jackson’s pain that he felt right now.

“You would never,” Jackson wiped away his tears, “you said I don’t trust you enough, but you have no idea what you mean to me, Mark.” Each of the words dropped lower and _deeper_ together with Jackson’s heart.

However, it didn’t seem to come through Mark’s defensive system; he shook his head and gritted his teeth. As if knowing what was going to happen, Jackson wrapped his arms tightly around his husband’s waist and held him protectively when Mark began to struggle against him.

“Love, _please just…_ ” Jackson tried to steady him, “don’t. Babe, _don’t_.”

Mark stopped pushing and looked into Jackson’s eyes, “I finally have _real_ friends. I know I’m not innocent, I forced my portion of jealousy down your throat numerous of time, but I’ve never come across to pull that shit on people who cling on you. Jinyoung is like my brother. I don’t want to lose him!”

It hurt to watch what was happening between them. All over again and again, like a nightmare that they couldn’t control. Jackson pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to push back the sting from his eyes. He promised he would never bring the catastrophic L.A. trip back. Now Mark was looking away, his expression blank. Finally, Mark gave in, and his back hit the door with a low thud. When Jackson’s hands slipped away next to his own body, he almost gave up and left back to the bedroom.

“You’re accusing Jinyoung of what?” Mark asked angrily, “what’s even the matter, Gaga?”

“Let’s _not…_ ” Jackson rubbed his eye, tiredly, “he’s my friend too, Mark. We’ve talked about this already.”

“We wouldn’t have to if you did understand the real problem.”

To be angry, Jackson would have to have energy in the first place. The combination of desperation and guilty was stomping on him like a horde of elephants. He didn’t want to fight or leave Mark alone while in a distressed state of mind. When he promised Jinyoung that he would tell the truth, he had no idea what was about to happen. It was always _now or never_ in Jackson’s case.

“What’s the real problem, baby, tell me…” Jackson tipped his head, aware of the fact that he might sound a bit arrogant, “didn’t you tell me earlier? If you did, I’d have surely understood.”

Mark’s features hardened when Jackson pulled out the authoritative tone. The frown deepened, and he was about to smack the door against Jackson's head, but instead of leaving the matter unsettled, Mark stepped closer.

“You don’t trust me,” Mark said coldly.

Jackson crossed his arms over his chest and lowered his head. “ _again_ …”

“Then why we have this debate?”

“I’ve told you!” Jackson said, irritated, “I fucked up by projecting my stupid fears into our relationship. I trust you with my life! I can’t help myself but feel insecure when I’m always working, and I leave you…” Jackson shut his mouth before he could’ve finished.

“Behind?” Mark asked, his voice cold, “is that what you’re doing recently? That’s how you call it?”

 _Blabbering it out,_ that wasn’t Jackson’s style, but when Mark was right in front of him, he was not there standing as a member of GOT7, but as his husband. Mark should’ve been in the first place all the time.

“You’re telling me that I should demand things from you, but you will never put me in the first place,” Mark said, defeated, “so don’t tell me I matter that much so you could be jealous of someone else for having me.”

Jackson’s breath stuck in his throat as Mark’s words immediately sank into his veins. He could also hit him, and it would hurt less. Inevitable has become a reality. Instead of feeling sorry, a strange pulling snatched his heart and shooed Jackson in the corner. He was legitimately scared, and fear, in his case, recently brought only anger. Even the slightest thought about someone else having Mark made him sick. In no fucking reality would Jinyoung have Mark. Though it sounded almost unhealthy and obsessive, like Jinyoung was his rival or Mark was just an object, Jackson couldn’t reason it when the green-eyed monster was taking control over him.

“ _I am_ jealous!” Jackson shouted, gripping Mark by his shoulders and pressing him back against the door, “he loves you, Mark! I’m a bitch, always working, but _he loves you_!”

Mark went silent. There was merely nothing to talk about at this point. The fact was a fact, and Mark couldn’t ignore it anymore as he did till now. Jackson was losing his mind over the secret games they were playing with Jinyoung. If he knew sooner, he wouldn’t have let things cross the line. So many things showed that Jinyoung’s behavior wasn't triggered only by the lack of intimacy in his life. Jackson gave it more than a minute; he thought about it a lot. Since the day, Jinyoung looked overly fucked up by only Mark’s immediate presence.

“Mark, listen to me,” Jackson cupped his face again, “don’t play games with Jinyoung, it’s dangerous. His feelings are serious. One bad step and it’s over for all of us.”

“Why do you bring Jinyoung into this?” Mark asked, unmoving, “I’m talking about _you_ right now.”

Jackson brought his hands up to rub his face, nervously, “babe…”

“A sensitive topic, isn’t it?” Mark almost chuckled at him, but his tone was spiky.

Before Jackson could react, Mark was talking, and not a single word made the fight easier for him.

“I know you want a career. I knew it when you asked me to marry you, and yet I said _yes._ The real question is, why did you marry me?”

Jackson’s eyes widened in shock, “what are you talking about for Chrissake?!” he couldn’t speak in one tone anymore – his breath was being punched out with each of Mark’s words.

“I said _yes_ because I love you and I’d do anything for you,” Mark confessed, his voice calm and soft, “even if you hurt me, I’ll be here. I don’t care, because I want you more than my life.”

“Mark, _I_ love you,” Jackson’s breath hitched, “ _please_ don’t talk like that.” The self-loathing was rubbing him in the wrong way. Like under a spell, Jackson couldn’t stop himself from touching his husband’s face, as if Mark was about to vanish from the surface. The warmth Jackson’s cold hands have been absorbing made him feel alive. He pressed his thumbs against Mark’s cheekbones, holding him steady.

“Then what should I do?” Mark asked silently, clearly ignoring Jackson’s words, “why do you want me? Have you been so scared that I would run away after someone else? Did you secure your possession?”

No tears were present in Mark’s eyes anymore, and Jackson knew why the reason was quite simple. He broke Mark into an ugly and deformed state. Jackson ripped out the skeleton and watched the body bleeding out. He would’ve lost his shit in any second, probably going into a panic attack if Mark didn’t place his warm hands on the back of Jackson’s and made him stay put. The situation blew up beyond Jackson’s understanding.

“Just say it,” Mark whispered, “say that you think I’m cheating on you.”

Jackson would’ve fallen on his ass if Mark weren’t holding him. What on Earth was even going on with them? Jackson suddenly got angry. Not because Mark was putting himself down again, but at himself; that he was a piece of shit for making his husband see himself like a second-hand human being because there were _years_ of hardship, of shits they handled together, always protecting each other, but never once in his life would Jackson thought, that he would be the reason. If he had become the weapon, then who was protecting Mark?

“Stop talking like that! Stop talking like you’re my property!” Jackson hissed. His left arm dropped down to his body while the other was holding Mark close by his nape, “why are you saying such things?”

“Funny,” Mark retorted, “all you’ve been recently talking about is that you think that Jinyoung is gonna pull some dick move on me and you’re scared I will allow it.”

“I didn’t.” Jackson denied, “I would never…”

“ _You_ did that _,_ Jacks, do you understand?” Mark pointed out, “you played with Jinyoung’s feelings and his trust while pretending you are me. You could’ve done serious damage.”

Jackson frowned, “did you really read the conversation between us? It seems like you know something I don’t.”

“You’re doing it again,” Mark sighed, putting his hands down.

“What? What am I doing?” Jackson called, irritated, “protecting you from Jinyoung’s stupid, idiotic, shitty behavior? You are a married man. His fucking _jokes_ are not even jokes. Do you understand that what he says is not a joke, but a serious offering?”

“I’m not a brainless idiot!” Mark raised his voice, “you’re putting all the blame on Jinyoung!”

“Why you didn’t tell me?!” Jackson was running out of patience.

“Tell you what? What do you think I’m doing with Jinyoung?!”

“I just told you—” Jackson tried to cut it, but Mark was faster.

“Do you think I wait until you’re gone, and then I invite him to our _l_ ove _nest_ and fuck all night, or what is the fuck is your problem with him?!”

“Mark Tuan!” Jackson shouted angrily, “I’m losing my shit now! Stop it!”

The blood was boiling in Jackson while he was shaking with anger and fear. He would never expect Mark to say such graphic things. When they fought, Mark usually blurted out what was on his mind, he never thought about it, but never like that. In contrast to his cold strategic brain, it was interesting to watch Mark unfolding like a flower, but the more the depth was, the uglier the petals were. Jackson couldn’t imagine all the hurt Mark was hiding before him over the years.

“Stop dragging yourself like this! I don’t want to hear such things from you ever again, do you hear me?!” Jackson was breaking slowly, tears forming in his eyes, “why are you hurting me like this?”

Mark took a deep breath and pushed Jackson away before he strode into the kitchen furiously. When Jackson walked in, Mark was standing at the other side of the breakfast bar with his hands on the polished surface, head lowered while taking deep breaths.

“Where in the hell did you get that I’m accusing you of cheating on me? I’m trying to figure out what the hell is Jinyoung trying to do!” Jackson said, still angry, “the fact that you _did_ know about his feelings and yet let him be intimate with you in front of the cameras while I am your husband…”

“So what?!” Mark yelled, “so what?! We use him to cover our relationship and marriage. We fucked it up, not him! If anything, I made him fall for me! For fuck sake, Jia’er!”

It clicked.

Jaebeom’s words, the looks Jinyoung gave him over the past weeks.

It all formed into one ugly blue ball.

Loneliness. It was easy to now see that Mark was clinging onto Jinyoung’s feelings.

Jackson stood there, completely winded off, like a candle that Mark with a final move put out. There was undeniable truth in Mark’s words, but also pain that Jackson couldn’t place yet. He should’ve seen it coming from miles. Jaebeom warned him, but Jackson kept telling himself stubbornly, that he knows Mark better than anyone else.

“Say something, please—” Mark gripped the edge of the counter, but Jackson only shrugged and threw his hands in the air defeated.

“Jia’er, _please…_ ”

Anything Jackson would say at that moment would only hurt them even more. No matter which way he would choose, the pain would remain. He didn’t feel experienced enough to put up with his bullshit right at that moment, but he also knew that if he would leave, it would only expand the distance between them.

Jackson shrugged in defeat, “you’re right.”

“ _Fuck…_ ” Mark turned around to support his back against the hard surface of the bar.

“I’m a bitch, Mark,” Jackson paused when he passed the stools, “I know you feel lonely, and Jinyoung is always there for you. It’s not how it supposed to be.”

Mark buried his face into his palms. When Jackson was kneeling on the balcony back in L.A., he didn’t think about how he’s going to be continuously gone while Mark would have to stay and wait. It was unbalanced and messed up because it was almost as if Jackson was laughing at his face that he’s bigger while Mark had too much free time. But to defend himself, Jackson, at that time, had no place for reasoning in his brain. He was intoxicated, lovestruck, and when he kneeled and opened the velvet box in front of Mark, he swore that he’d fight the world for the love of his life.

“I’m asking you to put up with my bullshit, while I push you into other man’s arms,” Jackson’s fingers ran over the white surface of the breakfast bar, “I’m so sorry.” his hand slide to Mark’s waist and curled there over his hip. “I’m so sorry for doing this to you.”

“I swear,” Mark murmured into his palms, “I’ve never done anything with Jinyoung.”

“I know,” Jackson placed his hand against the small of Mark’s back, and took him into his arms, “as I told you, I trust you, but how can I trust someone who’s in love with you?”

“It’s our fault,” Mark whispered as he tightly wrapped his arms around Jackson’s chest and hid his face in the crook of his neck.

The whisper was putting even more importance into their words. It felt like a crime that they were playing with someone’s else emotions. Were they abusing Jinyoung all the years? 

“Mark,” Jackson rested his cheek on the side of his husband’s head, “ _please_ , I’m so sorry, love.”

“What have we done?”

Jackson could feel his heartbreaking again. He pulled Mark closer, locking him into his arms securely, “I love you.”

“Jia’er…”

“You belong to me _._ ” Jackson whispered into Mark’s hair, “I’m not letting you go. All I could hear today was that I am a piece of shit of a husband, and I’m going to fix it, babe. I’ll fix everything. I’ll fix our marriage and even our relationship with Jinyoung. I promise.”

Mark rested his head on Jackson’s shoulder and relaxed in his arms. Not that Jackson was proud of himself, there was nothing that could stroke his ego, but he could give himself a solid handshake that he could finally resolve the problem and wake up before he would damage his marriage even more. He would later pat his shoulder that he didn’t run away from the quarrel and was there for his husband. They managed, somehow, clumsily suck out the venom.

“I fucked up,” Mark confessed, “I don’t want to lose him.”

“Me neither.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, i might have two last fics for this series. i want to try something else (which doesn't mean i will close this series) - a nonband fic, something different. this AU sucks out all of my energy since i had to pay close attention to the boys all the time.  
> thank you for reading and leave a comment, it always... it's like a payment. as if you gave me 10 bucks. that's how it feels to receive a response.


	3. Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson and Jinyoung talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end. You thought I'm joking when I said it's finished, didn't you?

Well, it was easier to say than do.

Jackson was circling Jinyoung like a bat. Whenever he felt the courage enough to corner the younger, someone appeared and led Jinyoung away. It was mostly Jaebeom, so Jackson decided that he had to corner their leader first for stopping getting into his ways. The look Jaebeom gave him last time he grabbed Jinyoung was more than enough.

If Jaebeom wanted him and Mark to come out in front of the whole band, then he was doing a terrible job about it. Jackson admitted that he was close to snapping, but what would come next would probably hurt the band even more.

“It’s not working,” Mark's voice snapped him out of his thoughts, “Jaebeom is blocking us.”

Jackson frowned at that, leaving the dressing room after Mark, “I have no idea why he won’t let me talk to him.”

“Gaga…” he sighed.

There was a way how to talk Jinyoung, and it was if Mark would demand it. “Jaebeom wants us to tell the others about our marriage,” he said quietly, “and I quite understand _why._ ”

“Enlighten me.”

“I know it’s not much different from being in a relationship,” Mark said, “but maybe then Yugyeom would stop asking if Jinyoung and I are a fling and Jinyoung would have to be more careful around us.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Jackson stopped in his track, “we want to fix things with Jinyoung and not stretch this bullshit.”

“I don’t want to stretch anything. I’m just sayin’.” He murmured in English, “besides, Jaebeom can’t block us forever. Jinyoung is not stupid.”

Jackson tilted his head back in frustration. In the past three days, he felt like a stalker. Every time he called or wrote Jinyoung, the younger already had plans or had a schedule to follow. Jaebeom was a constant name in the scheme. How much Jackson just wanted to shout into the world that he’s already married and fucks Mark every second day because why not.

“Mark, help!” Jackson reached for his husband, “I’m having dark thoughts.”

“Darker than my hair?” Mark asked, looking into his husband’s eyes curiously, “because if yes then…”

“I want to kiss you.”

“Well, that’s…” Mark considered, “…this is in contrary to society. I consider that as a very positive and bright thought.” He smiled.

“Yeah?” Jackson giggled, “though we’re in the middle of the hallway?”

“As I said, _I_ consider it as the best idea right now, but society…”

They exchanged looks, Jackson’s hand already entering Mark’s personal space. When he touched Mark’s lower back, Mark gave in and pressed his body to Jackson. It looked as if they were going for a hug, but Jackson halted in the middle of the gesture and leaned to Mark’s lips.

“I’m the society,” Jinyoung’s voice startled them. Jackson immediately ran his fingers through his hair, checking if they didn’t grey out. Mark was already by the wall, pulling out his phone and checking messages.

“Funny,” Jinyoung laughed at them, “Were you looking for me, _dimsums_?”

Jackson sighed, “Is Jaebeom-hyung after your ass? I swear he’s worse than a police dog.”

“No, I told him to stop being clingy.” Jinyoung crossed his arms over his chest, but it didn’t escape his sight that Mark was slowly withdrawing away. “where are you going, hyung?”

“Me?” Mark gripped his fingers around his phone, “I have some phone calls to do.”

“It can’t wait?” Jinyoung raised his eyebrow, “I’ll take you to lunch.”

“I can’t.” Mark’s voice dropped, “I’m sorry.”

“Are you leaving me with Jackson?” he called after Mark, who was now by the exit, “are you leaving the sheep for the wolf?”

“I can see only two wolves!” Mark called back, “so don’t fight too much over your alpha position.”

Jackson rolled his eyes, “why do I live for?”

“I guess that was a rhetorical question,” Jinyoung eyed him. “Come on, hyung, let’s spill the beans you’re holding. I’m hungry, and you wanted to talk, so let’s kill two birds with one stone.”

Jackson frowned, thinking for a second, “is that even a real phrase?”

What Jackson didn’t expect was Jinyoung taking him to his place. It threw him off guard to know that even after what he did, Jinyoung wanted to treat him with taking out and privacy of his home. The ride was silent, with Jackson’s eyes lazily following the blur of buildings and trees. His head was already a mile away in Jinyoung’s apartment. Nobody had ever told him how to talk with friends about their love interest being your husband.

Twenty minutes later, the car was parked in the underground, and Jackson stood in the elevator side by side with Jinyoung, who watched the light changing the number on the control panel. Jackson was scowling at the doors, trying to come up with a starter of their conversation when a breathy laugh interrupted his building up strategy.

“What’s so funny?” Jackson asked, still frowning.

“That you’re silent. I can see your brain on your face. It’s quite interesting.”

Following closely behind Jinyoung, Jackson couldn’t help himself but think about the _pet play_ he mentioned. He still didn’t ask Mark about it, and it wasn’t _that_ important that he couldn’t wait until the real problems get fixed.

“You should come to visit me more often.” Jinyoung took off his shoes when Jackson closed the door behind himself.

“I know that I’m an asshole who doesn’t have enough of time for his husband,” Jackson pushed his Adidas shoes on the side with his foot, “I’m not saying I’m a saint.”

“You’re not wasting your time,” Jinyoung eyed him, “what do you want to eat?”

They ended up ordering pizza. Jackson wouldn’t say _no_ to food, even though his stomach was on the water. He could hear Mark saying, _‘free food is the best food, Jackie.’_ But before the pizza could arrive, Jinyoung opened two bottles of beer, saying that it’s okay because Jackson can spend the night, which was a hasty decision. Jinyoung had probably already planned the whole conversation.

“You should be more careful,” Jinyoung sipped from his beer, “it could’ve been anyone else in the hallway.”

Jackson rubbed the back of his neck, “ _yeah,_ I sometimes forget myself when I’m with Mark.”

A soft smile appeared on Jinyoung’s face, “how did it go?”

“Well, _uh,_ ” Jackson frowned, “I don’t know? We almost kissed?”

“I mean your _talk._ Am I about fifty dollars richer?”

“No,” Jackson rolled his eyes, “and I’ve already exchanged the currency, but whatever. Let’s talk seriously now.”

“Seriously about me, or about how you’re messing up?”

Jinyoung sipped his beer as he was comfortably sitting on his couch. It was a formality for him, as Jackson deduced. Who knew if Jinyoung even was taking it seriously since the light mood was anything Jackson had expected. It almost looked like Jinyoung had no fear and was so sure with his position and that Mark would never resent him no matter what would happen. Jackson didn’t like the feeling that he should feel nervous in Jinyoung’s presence when it should’ve been the other way around.

Sometimes when Jackson looked at the younger, he could see the _man_ that was persistently waiting and consuming the heritage of his family, like it was a chain Jinyoung was wearing. Something about him was forcing Jackson to break the shackles and set him free, but Jackson knew that he’s not the right person. Mark was literally everything Jinyoung was searching for in his partner. It was not even a secret anymore. _Oh,_ Jackson wished he could see Jinyoung’s parents’ expression if he would bring Mark into their home as his partner. The hell would freeze.

It was the cliché all over again: the good boy with the rebel one. And nobody knew better about the rebellious Mark Tuan than Jackson. He also knew that no matter what Jinyoung was imagining, he would never keep the tempo with Mark.

“About _you,_ ” Jackson sat in the chair with his arms crossed. He looked at the bottle of his untouched beer. Honestly, something sharper would be handy now. After all, Jinyoung was precious to Jackson.

“Are we really going to have the _alpha_ talk?” Jinyoung chuckled, “I’d like to show Mark that we’re two adults.”

“For Mark, we’re just two men who make his life miserable.” Jackson frowned, “and I want to fix that.”

“How can you say that?” it was evident enough that the self-criticism was aimed too high for Jinyoung, “it’s not about you generally in Mark’s life.”

“Lately, it feels like all I do is wrong,” groaning lowly, Jackson tilted his head back and closed his eyes, slowly exhaling, “I don’t want to feel like that.”

“You would have to be _home_ in the first place, actually to do anything wrong,” Jinyoung pointed out, “which is the main reason why you both are miserable, and I’m in the middle of it.”

“ _Yeah,_ ” it was good to hear that Jackson didn't imagine things again, “it took me one angry leader and a weird middle guy to realize that I’ve been a joke of a husband.”

“What makes you think that you’re not a joke anymore?”

Without moving, Jackson looked at him, “I’m working on it.”

“Why are you here, hyung?” Jinyoung stood up from the couch, taking his phone from the coffee table in the process as he headed into his bedroom to plug it in.

Jackson rubbed his eyes and leaned forward with his hands on his knees. He should be pissed at Jinyoung, yell at him, maybe shove him and then hug him to shoo away any scary things. It made Jackson even angrier that he couldn’t grasp the whole situation since he had never been in love with anyone already taken.

“I want to apologize,” Jackson looked at Jinyoung, who returned into the living room, “for playing you. It was a low blow from me.”

“Well, you’ve been a man enough to come clean to Mark.”

Jackson snorted at that, “have you ever seen him _really_ angry?”

“I’ve seen a lot.”

“No,” Jackson shook his head, “when the anger streams from pain, did you ever seen him being so hurt?”

“I’ve never given him the reason.” Jinyoung replied honestly, “it’s not my place to judge.”

“I had fought with Mark before, it was ugly,” Jackson admitted, “but never like this.”

Taking a seat, Jinyoung looked at Jackson curiously, “it couldn’t be that bad, come on.”

“Why you didn’t tell me?” Jackson’s voice dropped, but he sounded soft, a little bit frustrated, “when you realized that Mark’s using your feelings? Why did you let him use you like that?”

Jinyoung averted his eyes. His jaw tensed, and eyes darkened. He probably didn’t expect the conversation to carry on like that. Jackson always played fair, so Jinyoung shouldn't have been that surprised when Jackson didn’t release the green-eyed monster on him. For the past weeks, Jackson had fought a lot but also have learned many things.

“ _Jiny_ —”

“You just found out?” Jinyoung deeply inhaled before he continued, “while being away, you pushed Mark to me. You said that I should take care of him like he can’t do that by himself. You knew and always had a suspicion, but you did it anyway. It looked almost as if you rejected Mark. Every time you left, you left him with me. And you know what? I am still here. You are not.”

“I get that,” Jackson said, defeated.

“Do you? Because it doesn’t look like you want to change it.”

“If I could…”

“Oh, you can, trust me, you can, but you don’t want to. You’re playing with Mark-hyung again. You want all, but you can’t have it.”

His whole life, Jackson was trying to prove himself that he's more than his parents wanted him to be and that his love and passion have no borders. He despised tunnel vision. It was always _family or job,_ but for Jackson, life was more diverse than four walls and a sky.

“You think you can tell me what I can or cannot do?” Jackson glared at him, “you think you’re in a position to decide things in my life?!”

“Your life now belongs to Mark too, and every decision you make is gonna reflect on him.”

No, Jackson didn’t understand a _shit_ about this point of view. Perhaps it was Jinyoung’s background story – that one where his father always talked about things Jinyoung _can’t_ do and not the other way around. Jackson knew how to proceed in his life with only a little, which made him happier than having houses and cars.

“I know, I’m the source of our problems,” Jackson said calmly, “but everything I do, I do out of passion. I don’t want to wake up one morning and regrets the missed opportunities.”

“Relationships are about compromises,” as if Jackson didn’t know what to do with his marriage, Jinyoung acted like a therapist. This idea would definitely make Mark laugh.

“I’m not giving up Mark or my carrier. I have both, and I will have both. If you can’t comprehend how I can work this out, then that’s not my problem. I’ll bring Mark with me to states if that’s what’s needed. I’ll take him to Hong Kong with me if he wants.”

It was like watching a schoolboy to get lectured about life from his teacher. Jinyoung was watching him, listening and, of course, calculating about his options. Jinyoung opened his mouth to say something right away when the pizza arrived. He left the living room while Jackson grabbed his beer to take a long sip and then started to pace around the room. The bookshelf could be presented in a magazine of cozy houses. Jinyoung always had had a great fashion style.

While Jinyoung was in the kitchen, out of the corner of his eye, Jackson saw a silver chain lying on the middle shelf right in front of the _Kafka_ collection. It was a silver cross which, finding in Jinyoung’s house, was like seeing an alien.

“Was Mark here recently?” Jackson turned around with the chain hanging on his index finger.

Jinyoung stopped in the middle with two plates and the pizza box in his hands. Well, that was the answer Jackson needed – the silence that spoke in thousands of words. Of course, he would recognize the chain when it had Mark’s initials graved in the back of the cross. It was a gift from Jackson’s mother to Mark when the first time came to Hong Kong together.

“What is this doing here?”

“It’s called sleepover, Jackson.” He put everything on the table.

“Don’t fuck with me, Park Jinyoung!”

Jackson didn’t want to raise his voice. Nothing good ever came out from arguing. He was exhausted enough from the fight with Mark. But the frustration and sleepless nights took a toll on his mental health. The antidepressant looked now like M&Ms, but the world after them didn’t look a bit better. So, _yes,_ Jackson snapped, and he had no regrets.

“Look at you,” Jinyoung said gently, “hyung, you’re not alright with your current situation.”

“Explain _this_!” he insisted.

The silver cross was the only thing between them that could stop Jackson jump at Jinyoung and choke him with the chain. Symbolism aside, it was only Mark who was now standing between his husband and best friend. 

“Did he lie to me _too_?” Jackson shouted, “talk to me, dammit!”

“No, he didn’t!” Jinyoung rubbed his face in frustration, “fuck, I don’t want us to fight, Jacks.”

“Explain.”

Jinyoung put his hands on his hips, “what do you think it is? What a chain on my bookshelf means, hyung, _hm_?”

It was too late to turn back, Jackson knew. If he was the jealous asshole again, then so be yet, but he was tired of the games everyone played around him. When Mark finally broke and told him the truth, Jinyoung took the part of being a mysterious homewrecker.

“He lost it in between the couch mattresses,” Jinyoung explained before Jackson would run against the small library and chopped it into pieces. “we had a little gaming party with Youngjae and get a bit drunk.”

“So, why it’s still here?”

“Because I’m a busy guy and all Mark’s see, is you?” the explanation was so light, white like a feather. Jinyoung shrugged again. He didn’t even flinch, clean like the first snow.

Jackson put the chain securely into the pocket of his jeans and walked towards Jinyoung. Demonstrating jealousy, that wasn’t what Jackson wanted when he came here. The possibility of Mark doing _anything_ with his best friend made Jackson’s blood boil.

“Don’t tell me you’re fine,” Jinyoung shook his head, “you’re paranoid, stressed, and angry.”

“The famous trio,” Jackson sighed when he dropped on the couch. He massaged his temples and closed his eyes.

“Hyung, you have to tell the rest of the band about your marriage,” he said the suffix so gently that Jackson had to cringe at the whole situation. Jinyoung was always nothing but a good friend to him, while Jackson was accusing him of stealing away husbands.

“You’ll burn out at this tempo,” Jinyoung sat down beside him, “why won’t you let me help you?”

So _stupid,_ incredibly stupid. Jackson shook his head while pressing his palms against his eyes. He was on the verge of collapsing on the floor and crying like a baby. When Jackson promised Mark that he’ll fix things for them, he didn’t know what it could bring onto him. How was he supposed to make anything right, when he was the problem? Facing himself was like falling into his own shit repeatedly. Like bringing the worst out of himself to understand why the hell was he even thinking like _that._

“Shit!” Jackson rubbed his eyes, smearing his tears over his eyes.

“Mark is stronger than you think,” Jinyoung wrapped his arm around Jackson’s shoulder.

“He’s coping with his problems using you!”

“If I tell you that I don’t mind and in no way, I consider it as abuse, would you believe me?”

Jackson didn’t know what to say. He found himself tangled in the webs of his paranoia and secrets. Everyone around him kept trying to protect him. People always talked about him. Rumors were part of their speech and daily-life. But every time Jackson closed his eyes, he imagined thousands of people staring at him and judging him based on his marriage and not the human he is.

“That’s so wrong, Jin-ah,” Jackson shook his head, “he’s gonna break you.”

“We’re best friends,” he said gently, “there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other.”

No, that wasn’t healthy, and in no way, Jackson was about to let it go, “you’re in love with him.”

“But I love _you_ too.”

Jackson snorted at that, but before he could say anything, Jinyoung was already pulling him into his arms.” I told you, I’d never step between you two. My love is more versatile than that, hyung. Though you acted like an asshole, I care about you. All I ever wanted was us seven to be happy.” Jinyoung did almost the impossible when he kissed Jackson into his hair. Only this little gesture made Jackson melt into his arms.

No more, Jackson tried to stop his tears. Never once in his life, he felt embarrassed for crying in front of his friends, but lately, he felt like his tears couldn’t say what he genuinely felt. The shame always chocked him so badly that there was no emotion at all.

“Is he happy with me?” Jackson buried his face in the crook of Jinyoung’s neck, “do I make him happy? I love him so much.”

“You do,” Jinyoung held him tighter while stroking his back in soothing circles, “you make him the happiest.”

As Jackson was tucked against Jinyoung in a secure embrace, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to turn down any walls he built against the younger in the past weeks. No more of hiding and lying to himself. Jackson had always collected things on his way through life. Perhaps too soft to let things behind, he developed an abandonment syndrome. With Mark in the picture, Jackson had learned to trust Mark to lead him through the mess with closed eyes. Losing Mark would cost him everything. And as he said earlier, it took him one angry leader, a middle guy, and Mark to understand that he shouldn’t sell himself so short. Finding a balance between work and his family should be his priority now.

 _“Don’t chase the headlights_ ,” Jackson murmured into Jinyoung’s shirt, “silly Gaga _._ ”

**

Jackson tried to eat away his depression. He consumed the whole pizza Jinyoung bought and drunk three other beers, which, at Jinyoung's advice, he eased with black tea. Staring into the black liquid, Jackson looked back at his life. Was it dark or shiny? Idol’s life was a lexicon of mental and physical injuries. It felt like _that,_ like the shades of pitch black that didn’t even exist. Leaving _anything_ behind meant that Jackson failed. He had to fail, _right_? _Motherfucking failure._

“Hyung,” Jinyoung, who was sitting next to him, squeezed his shoulder gently, “I know I’ve told you that you can spend the night, but I think you should call Mark and go home with him.”

The kitchen lights were dim, and for a second, Jackson thought about if Jinyoung can even see what he’s doing when he cooks. But that was probably for another bedtime story. Jackson sipped from his tea and silently agreed to whatever Jinyoung was saying.

“He’s at Yugyeom’s.”

“I know,” Jinyoung nodded, still holding onto Jackson’s shoulder, “call him and go home together. I’m not the person you need right now.”

Jackson chuckled at that, “angel Tuan.”

“Yeah,” he returned the smile.

“Aren’t we fools, Jinyoung-ah?” Jackson emptied the cup. When he looked back at the fight he had with Mark, it felt so unknown and cold as if it was not even himself. He could see his face in a disgusting grotesque.

“I made him say awful things.”

Jinyoung didn’t say anything. Only held him tighter.

“I’m _so_ sorry, Jinyoung-ah.”

Jackson was sitting alone in the living room with his phone on his ear and waiting for Mark to pick up his call. It took two failed attempts before Jackson could hear the sleepy voice of his husband. He should’ve known that Mark would want to spend the night at Yugyeom’s, which was even sadder since Jackson was home, and they could spend more time together.

“I’m sorry that I woke you up,” Jackson said gently, “but I need you.”

 _“Gaga,_ _what happened?”_

“I need you.”

_“Talk to me, please.”_

Jackson took a deep breath, watching the shadows dancing on the dark wall like fairies. His mind was static, with almost zero thoughts. “I’m still at Jinyoung’s place. Can you pick me up, babe? I want to go home with you.”

A pause, _“what happened, Gaga?”_

“I just want to go home with you.” Hearing the soft voice that never judged him brought back all the moods from earlier. Jackson’s expression turned into a painful grimace. He was trying to stay steady and not cry, but he already knew that Mark could sense his discomfort.

_“I’ll be there in an hour, alright? I’ll be there, Kayee, and I’ll take you home.”_

“Alright,” Jackson covered his eyes with his palm when the emotions hit him like a tank. As Mark used Cantonese in the last sentence, Jackson couldn’t take the pressure anymore. He knew Mark heard his outburst before he hung up. Glad that Jinyoung didn’t come and try to soothe him again, Jackson needed to be alone with his tears and ugly faces he made. _Oh,_ how Jackson wished that he could go back to the past when he was happily bouncing around and making people laugh. Mark was always beside him, watching him as he was _someone,_ and that feeling, the pride that someone else was looking at him like he’s the star, that feeling was worth thousands of people chanting his name.

As Jinyoung said, love was more versatile than that and what Jackson saw in the crowds screaming his name was ephemeral, a thing that he would have to let go one day, while Mark was a steady radio signal, never-ending road a galaxy of billions of lights, and at the same time a single human being holding the whole world in his hands. If he had to let go of something every once in a while, Mark would be the last, down below Jackson’s own life.

Love was not a candy shop or a unicorn path to fairytale forest. The more he struggled, the more he could feel Mark’s love, and that was another proof that no crowd could compare to the single person Jackson was in love with.

_‘You’re destroying yourself over the fame. Don’t let Mark do the same.’_

Jinyoung’s words were the last before Jackson’s eyes opened to see Mark’s name on the screen of his phone.

It was time to go home.

**

Mark’s Rover Ranger was parked in front of the building when Jackson came out with his hands deep in his jean’s pocket, rolling the silver chain between his fingers. The first thing Jackson did when he hopped on the passenger seat was that he wrapped the cross pendant around his husband’s neck and kissed him behind his ear.

“You lost it at Jinyoung’s place,” he explained when Mark looked at him in confusion.

“And that dumbass told me he doesn't know.” Mark caressed the cross with his fingertips before he turned back and started the car engine.

“He said he forgot.”

Mark nodded and pulled the car on the road, “how it went?”

“Your Cantonese is so good, babe,” Jackson ignored the question, “have you been studying lately?”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

Watching as Mark was driving with one hand was always kind of arousing for Jackson. The masculine expression was the right switch for his dick to call out the break. He wanted to spend the rest of the road like this: admiring his husband in the silence of March’s night. When Mark asked again how _it_ went, Jackson murmured he’s too tired to talk about it and that _yes,_ Jinyoung is alive and they’re still friends. Mark didn’t ask anymore and let Jackson put his hand on his thigh.

The streetlights were blending into one colorful stain as the car proceed further to their home. When they were about to enter the last crossroad, at the last minute, Jackson asked Mark if they can go to Mark’s flat instead of home. _‘it’s closer,’_ Jackson said as he stared at Mark’s profile as the lights were running across his face.

“You’re beautiful,” Jackson smiled with his signature smile, gently squeezing Mark’s thigh.

Mark wore a stark black hoodie and Adidas sweatpants, his hair was still messed from the sleep, and he was rubbing his left eye constantly as he was driving. Jackson wanted to ask if Mark wanted his glasses, but he immediately chased away the absurd idea. They were driving away from their troubles, from hate and cold, far away from bad places — just Mark and him. The atmosphere, despite that it was night, was brighter when Mark was with him. Love was a blessing Jackson always cherished the most in every shape.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Jackson said when they turned to the left and buildings overshadowed the vivid lights, “for how I talked to you, for how I yelled at you, for making you feel like you’re not good enough.”

It was now Jackson who pulled his sleeves over his cold hands. He placed his hoodie paws into his lap and went quiet while Mark was still watching the road before them. Perhaps he shouldn’t have brought it back. Mark’s expression was stoic like he was programmed only for driving them to his place, and then would turn-off.

They entered the background parking lot, and Jackson has lost his hopes for a peaceful evening. He unbuckled himself and was about to open the door when Mark parked on his reserve place, but then a hand grabbed him and pulled him back.

“Listen,” Mark said gently, “I messed up too. We talked, sweetheart, and I’m _fine._ ”

The sigh after the pet name ran down Jackson’s spine like a warm summer breeze. He looked at his husband with watery eyes. No words would say how much he was sorry, but Mark always understood.

“Your hands are cold.”

Jackson’s bottom lip trembled, “I don’t want you to think that I love you less.”

“You don’t.”

“I’m sorry that I neglected you.”

“Gaga.”

Jackson whimpered, though he swore he had no tears anymore. Just one look at Mark was enough for the new stream of regrets. Mark drew him closer, over the console, and hugged him tightly. Jackson could feel his long and slender fingers clawing into his skin, and that possessive feeling was _everything_ that he needed right now.

“Please don’t cry,” the gentle vibrato rezoned through Jackson’s body, “please, I will cry too.”

“I’m sorry I called Jinyoung _things…_ ”

At that, Mark took a deep breath and pulled a bit away so he could take his husband’s face between his palms and wipe away his tears. The soothing _shh_ made Jackson warm inside. He opened his eyes finally and looked at Mark through the watery curtains of his eyes.

“Everything’s alright, Gaga, I promise.”

Jackson bowed his head, trying to believe the words. But the wound was not even close to starting mending. He didn’t hurt only Mark and himself, but Jinyoung too. The man who always stayed by their side and who witnessed their marriage.

“And if you need,” Mark said as if reading Jackson’s mind, “to cry, then cry. I’m here for you.” He leaned in and kissed his forehead.

Jackson nodded slightly.

“Forever.”

**

Mark changed into Jackson’s old hoodie that he remembered from the debut days. The cloth was so overstretched and washed out that the black color looked like dark grey, and the end of the sleeves had small holes, but Mark didn’t want to throw it away since it was the first thing Jackson had ever given to him that Mark could cherish or wear. He looked cute, though, with the white pajama pants on too. Jackson sat in the bed, putting on his shirt when Mark crawled into the bed and tackling his husband down in the process. Jackson whined when Mark landed on him.

“You ready to sleep?”

Smiling slightly, Jackson nodded and lifted the blanket for Mark to hope in.

“Alright, let me cuddle you.”

“You’ll be too warm in that hoodie, you now that,” Jackson said when Mark wrapped his arm around his torso and pulled him closer.

“Warm enough for you.”

Jackson closed his mouth, hiding his cold hands under the blanket when he felt Mark press them closer, locking his arms between their bodies. Mark’s body radiated with warmth like a star. Quickly, Jackson snuggled his head under his husband’s chin and closed his eyes. He breathed in the fresh scent from the shower and smiled for himself. It felt absurdly fantastic to be in Mark’s arms.

“Mark?”

“Hm?”

“Let’s tell _them_ about _us._ ”

“Alright,” Mark hummed quietly. Jackson didn’t feel any tension, it was like they were talking about the weather. Perhaps, he was the only one scared to come out to the other members about their marriage. Mark’s greatest virtue has always been an indulgence. He’s been waiting for Jackson the whole time.

“Mark?”

“Hm?”

“Let me take you to Hainan island one day.”

Jackson felt as Mark shifted slightly, then a warm breath ghosted over his ear, which was sealed with Mark’s lips on his temple. It was the safest place in the whole universe, the two limbs holding him tightly, pouring all the heat into him.

“I can’t wait,” Mark smiled into the kiss.

“I love you,” Jackson murmured before he closed his tired eyes.

It’s been a long _day_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two more one-shots written for this series!  
> as always if you liked it leave a comment.

**Author's Note:**

> Have you ever wondered what is going on between markjinson? i did, and i still have no clue.


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